Thursday, July 13, 2006

"Answer," My Ass

So. This morning, unable to stand it any longer even though it is technically two days before Aunt Flo is due to visit, I cracked open an Answer brand home pregnancy test that promised 93% accuracy up to three days early, and urinated ever so carefully upon it.


Internet, I was so disappointed I wanted to cry. That surprised me a little. I mean, I knew I was hoping for two pink lines, but I wasn't prepared for the magnitude of the sadness that smacked me square in the face when the result wasn't the one I wanted. Given what the government's women's health page has to say about home pregnancy tests, I shouldn't consider this the final word on the issue, but it was disappointing all the same. I'd hate to think the symptoms that got me so worked up have actually just been a raging case of PMS.

I've been eating meat again-- mostly turkey and a little chicken-- because the experts suggest that more protein is good when you're trying to get knocked up and I had suspected for a while that I might be anemic. Mark, in that charmingly subtle way he has, said, "You only want to get pregnant so you can eat meat again." Which made me want to poke him in the eye with a home pregnancy test, but that's neither here nor there.

I cannot concentrate on anything, which is not good news for my GPA this term. Every twinge in my abdomen has the voices in my head screaming, "Menstrual cramps? Or maybe just LATE IMPLANTATION?!" and I wish I could either get a positive result or get my goddamned period so those voices would shut the fuck up for a couple of weeks and let me do some homework. At least until the next time I ovulate, so I can start the whole process over again. It seems painfully ironic that after having spent so much time and effort over the years trying to avoid pregnancy that I can't just get instantly fertilized now that I want to. And let's not even talk about the anxiety I'm having over the mere fact that I want to have a baby after spending my entire life swearing I wouldn't have kids.

I'm just not cut out for this whole getting-older thing. I always thought they were lying when they said, "You'll change your mind later."


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