Can you feel the love?

With his webcam on, Mark shows me how much soda he can hold in his mouth-- and then dribbles it down his chin and all over his desk. The following IM exchange ensues:

MJ says:
you looked so retarded just now

Mark says:
i'm so cool

Mark says:
pfft

MJ says:
you are

MJ says:
you'd have to be, to get an AWESOME WIFE like me

Mark says:
you made out a LOT better than I DID

We are such humble people, and so filled with love. I think it's obvious here why we get along so well.

The way to my heart is through photos of kittens

My mother adopted a stray cat a few months ago, and then she found out the cat was pregnant. Four weeks ago, she gave birth to a litter of six kittens (the cat, not my mom). My mom told me I could have one. Mark said he didn't care if I wanted to bring one home. I thought it over, considered how much care and attention our other animals require, and decided I didn't want another pet. Then my mom sent me this picture:



Oh. My. God. After my heart broke into a million pieces and all the sappy parts of my brain disintegrated into kitten-induced euphoria, I realized I am going to be getting a kitten no matter what the rational half of me says. Because, good Lord, how can you not fall in love with that face?

You will gasp at the profundity of our connection

"You know what was the first thing I noticed about you when we met?"

I smile in anticipation of the sweet memory of our first days together. "What?"

"Your moustache."

"My moustache?"

"Yeah, it was kinda dark. But then the next time I saw you it was gone."

"I waxed it once I realized I liked you."

"I could tell."

"Well, you know what the first thing was about you that I noticed?"

"What?"

"That giant scar on your head."

Then he just laughed at me, because we both know it sucks more to be a chick with a moustache than a guy with a scar on his head.

Would you like tits with that?

My sweetheartdarlingdearhusbandman is currently eating lunch with his buddies at Hooters. Because Food Just Tastes Better with Boobs Around. Especially when those boobs are attached to a girl 15 years younger than you who wants to be super-duper flirty perky nice to you so you'll leave her a big tip.

I could be wrong, of course-- there could be something other than the boobs compelling them to go there. I can't for the life of me figure out what it might be, but it could be something else. You know, theoretically.

Wrinkles in time... and on my face

I complain rather frequently about looking younger than I am; I will be 25 in a few months, but it's not unusual for me to be carded while trying to buy a ticket to an R-rated movie. I've also been carded buying music with explicit lyrics and video games rated M for "Mature." It gets annoying.

The other day, I was buying groceries while Mark browsed in the electronics section of the store. There was a 6-pack of beer for him in the cart, and I loaded it onto the coveyor with everything else. I was rummaging in my purse for my ID as I pushed the cart up to the checkout counter, but the clerk rang up the beer and didn't ask for proof of age. I bought beer! Without getting carded! For the very first time! EVER!

My first thought was, "Oh my god, do I look old?"